


Crush

by deluxekyluxtrashcan (rhoen)



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Armitage Hux Needs A Hug, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, M/M, Nightmares, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-17
Updated: 2016-12-17
Packaged: 2018-09-09 06:47:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8880028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rhoen/pseuds/deluxekyluxtrashcan
Summary: It's been years since Kylo last came home, and knowing he won't be able to take the plunge and actually stay with his parents, he agrees to let Han book him a room at a local hotel. The only problem? Han messes up and Kylo has nowhere to stay - that is until his high school crush Hux, who he hasn't seen in years, offers to let him share his room.Kylo has to navigate the feelings he finds he still has for Hux, the fragile new relationship with his parents, and the realisation that he isn't the only one with a difficult relationship with his parents.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [theweddingofthefoxes](https://archiveofourown.org/users/theweddingofthefoxes/gifts).



> > I have reduced the age gap to just one year between them.  
> > Hux is the one with implied PTSD (in the way he keeps people out, plus the nightmares).  
> > Thank you to Kali for acting as beta and putting up with me and my indecisiveness while writing this.  
> > I honestly had no idea what day it is, which is why this for-once-finished-before-the-deadline fic still managed to be late... I'm so sorry.  
> > Don't repost, edit or translate this without my permission. Linking with a short snippet is okay though.

“Could the reservation be under another name, sir?”

Kylo grits his teeth, trying his hardest not to let the anger simmering inside of him boil over. The forced amiability of the receptionist grates against his nerves, worsening his frustration.

“You have nothing under Kylo Ren?” he asks tersely.

“No, sir, I’m afraid not.”

The next words taste bitter. “What about Ben or Han Solo?”

The receptionist turns back to his computer, scanning for a moment. Kylo’s heart sinks, his agitation spiking, but before the receptionist can lift his head to address Kylo again, Kylo is completely distracted. His attention is torn away. Beside him, stepping up and cordially greeting the other receptionist was someone Kylo never thought he’d see again. It has been nine years, and yes, he has been counting. The tall, slender figure with vibrant red hair and in well tailored clothing can’t be mistaken for anyone else, and Kylo is all at once bruised and elated. He would have stared, and does for a moment, but the receptionist’s words bring him unpleasantly back to the matter at hand.

“Nothing under that name either. When was the booking made?”

The only thing that stops Kylo from crushing his phone in his fist as he draws it out and brings up the email Han sent him is the melodic, rich tone of the redhead standing next to him. As he shows the screen and the email in which his father saying he’d booked the room to the receptionist, Kylo struggles not to flush with embarrassment, overly aware of the other man who, of course, hasn’t noticed him. And why would he? It has been so long since Kylo last saw Armitage Hux, and the other guy probably doesn’t even recognise him. Even when they were teenagers Hux barely spared Kylo a second glance.

Hux is as painfully attractive, collected and in control as always, and beside him Kylo feels beyond frayed. Hux’s check-in is, of course, going smoothly. The receptionist dealing with Kylo is shaking his head at the computer again.

“I’m sorry, Mr. Ren, I cannot find the booking on the system at all.”

Anger and frustration flare, and the phone is squeezed within an inch of its life. Kylo can’t believe his father has done this to him, and yet at the same time he doesn’t know why he’s surprised.

“Are you sure it was at this hotel?”

The receptionist’s words are insulting, and Kylo grits his teeth again to keep from saying something he’ll regret. Were Hux not standing just to his side and starting to take interest in the clearly tense exchange, he’d care far less about what he says or does next.

“Yes,” he snarles, vowing to maim Han in as many imaginative and painful ways as he can invent. “Can I at least get a room for tonight?”

The receptionist starts looking flustered. “I’m sorry, sir. We’re fully booked until the twenty-seventh. Would you like me to make a reservation for that date?”

The phone case creaks beneath Kylo’s grip, and he feels the last of his control disappearing.

“What do you mean ‘fully booked’? You’re telling me you have  _ nothing _ for the next five nights? What do you expect me to do!? Your lousy booking system doesn’t work and then you expect me to deal with this? I suppose you’re going to recommend the  _ Richmond _ as an alternative?”

“I, uh…” the guy starts, clearly taken aback by the outburst. Kylo doesn’t care if the booking error lies with Han - he simply needs to be angry with someone. “Well you could try…”

Kylo snarls again, turning away abruptly and jerking his luggage up from the floor so quickly it tears at his shoulder.  _ Good _ , he thinks, relishing the distracting pain. The world clouds and narrows, all else forgotten as he storms away, marching across the marble tiles and out of the accursed hotel.

Dimly, he realises someone is calling after him, quick footsteps catching him up.

“Solo!”

The name spurs him forwards.

“Ren!”

The crisp, cutting tone makes him pause, and a moment later an insistent hand closes around his bicep – or as close to around it as can be managed. He turns to find a concerned pale green gaze upon him, Armitage Hux’s cheeks lightly flushed and a strand of hair falling from his perfect hairstyle.

“I had no idea I’d run into you here.”

Hux’s mouth quirks upwards in a thin, dry flicker of a smirk which Kylo knows is about as much as Hux will ever give. The man always was stoic, his face carefully devoid of emotion, as if he thought showing any signs of what he thought or felt was a weakness.

Kylo isn’t sure what to say. If they were going to run into each other anywhere it would be here, in their hometown. 

“I… Well, I couldn’t help overhearing,” Hux continues, covering the silence left by Kylo’s inability to process Hux’s presence. It is the most undone Kylo can remember ever seeing the other man, and as he takes in the way Hux regards him he wonders how it’s possible for Hux to have become even more handsome in the years since Kylo last saw him. Kylo has never forgotten, and neither had his heart.

“As I understand it, everywhere in town is fully booked,” Hux explains. Having successfully stopped Kylo, he lets go, his hand falling back to his side. Kylo can’t help taking in the smart-casual clothes Hux wears: the black skinny fit jeans and crisp white shirt showing from beneath a tight v-neck jumper, all perfectly accentuating the inviting lines of Hux’s tall, slender figure. He is only just able to process Hux’s words as the other man continues. “I didn’t get my first pick of room, and I know we haven’t seen each other in years, but as it’s a twin and you appear to be in a bit of a predicament perhaps we can work something out?”

Hux gives a funny, tense grimace that’s supposed to be a smile but only telegraphs uneasiness.

“Do you remember me? Armitage Hux? I was in the year above you at school.”

It finally dawns on Kylo that he hasn’t said anything at all, and he snaps back into reality, dragging his startled mind back to the present.

“Shit, yeah, I remember you,” he rushes. “Sorry, I just…”

With a vague wave towards the reception desk, Kylo trails off.

Hux gives an understanding nod, clenching and unclenching his fists. “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable with my offer, but it still stands if you need somewhere to stay.”

The kind offer is one of the last things Kylo ever expected to hear from Hux, but he finds himself seriously considering it.

“Sure? You really don’t mind?”

“It’s fine,” Hux reassures him, looking like he’s trying to convince himself too. “We can catch up. Last I heard you were applying to study biochemical engineering.”

Kylo couldn’t keep the embarrassment from his face. “You know that?”

“I thought most people did.”

There’s a pause, during which Kylo can’t think of anything to say. Hux fills the silence again, urging them towards the reception desk.

“Come on,” he says Kylo, before turning to the woman at the desk when they reach it. “Can I have these bags brought up to my room, and another keycard too.”

Kylo zones out as the request is dealt with, trying to work out how to explain himself to Hux. They are in the lift before Hux finally asks, mercifully sans concierge, but Kylo still hasn’t worked out a way of gracefully explaining what went wrong back then.

“So, how is it?”

“How’s what?”

“The course. Which job did you go into?”

“I, uh… I didn’t,” Kylo tells the floor, noticing the difference between his well worn Converse and Hux’s finely polished black shoes. “I never made it to university.”

“I’m sorry,” Hux says, sounding oddly genuine. “I had no idea.”

Kylo tries to shrug as if it’s nothing, but the memory of those chaotic few years weighs heavily on him.

“You were accepted to business school or something, weren’t you?” he asks , trying to turn the conversation around.

“I was offered a place at a few different universities,” Hux says dismissively, and Kylo can’t make himself look up. Of course Hux had several offers. He’d always been smart, and excelled at almost everything he turned his hand to – not quite everything, though. Hux’s real weakness had been physical education, and short distance running in particular. “In the end I studied civil engineering.”

“You did?”

The lift draws to a halt just then, depositing them on their floor, and Hux doesn’t respond to Kylo’s question. Instead he leads the way down the corridor to the left, checking the signs as they go. Kylo trails after him, watching Hux’s back as he walks along, silently repeating the room number to himself and checking each of the doors they walk past. Despite the styling product, Hux’s hair is still that soft, warm copper colour that makes Kylo want to reach out and see if it’s as soft as it feels.

“Ah, here we are,” Hux announces, stopping halfway along the corridor and unlocks the door. He holds it open for Kylo, who only just manages to shake himself out of his highly inappropriate reverie.

The room is massive. Kylo looks around in relief, taking in the two double beds, the clean, modern decor and the abundance of light. There’s a huge TV mounted on the wall, and comfortable single seats arranged around a small coffee table in one corner, as well as two chairs tucked in beneath the large dressing table.

“Nice,” Kylo murmured.

Hux immediately walks to the bathroom, flicking the light on and check it out while Kylo crosses to the ceiling high windows. He twitches the net curtains, peering out at the view. It is probably one of the best in the town, and he can make out the town’s iconic church building not far distant, as well as the strip of green belonging to the riverside park.

“It’s not bad,” Hux agrees. “I stayed in the penthouse suite last time.”

“Seriously?”

Kylo can’t help his reaction, but Hux doesn’t seem to care.

“I might as well enjoy something about coming home.”

That Kylo could agree with wholeheartedly. “Yeah…” he mumbled, starting when there was a knock at the door. Hux gets it, and once their bags are deposited in their room he gives over a generous tip. Kylo turns away, feeling small and insignificant again next to such effortlessly borne wealth. His parents have never been poor, but at school he’d always been made to feel less: somehow unworthy. He feels that same insignificance again now, and it reminds him of yet another reason he hates coming home.

“So,” Hux says brusquely as he starts unpacking his things, “what is it you do these days then?”

Kylo could feel Hux’s opinion of him falling even before he admits to the answer. “I’m studying art.”

“So you  _ did  _ make it to university.”

Hux looks up at him, and Kylo tucks his hair behind his ear as he looks away, flustered, and then hastily recovers his ear.

“What kind of art?”

It takes him a moment to work out that Hux has actually asked a question and shown an interest. For a moment Kylo thinks he is being mocked, and bites his lip before he answers, his attention mostly on digging out his toiletries.

“Sculpture. Mostly metal. Repurposing engine parts and such.”

“That… suits you…”

Kylo is surprised by the judgement, and looks up, expecting to find that he’s being laughed at. There’s nothing like that in Hux’s expression though. He’s regarding Kylo with a thoughtful look, seeming relaxed.

“Are you happy doing it?”

Kylo nods, unable to speak.

“And… what about your parents?”

Kylo laughs at that, some tension draining out of him. It’s an old story, and he tells it in his usual, dry voice. “Pretending they’re not disappointed while at the same time feeling relieved I’m finally doing  _ something _ . My dad wanted me to take over his workshop, and my mum…”

“I know how that goes.”

“Yeah?” Kylo is surprised at the sudden weight of Hux’s words. “Were your parents disappointed with what you did?”

Hux adamantly focuses on smoothing down the already immaculate bedcovers as he responds. “A little.”

Kylo firmly shuts his mouth, able to read in Hux’s limited response the true extent of it. The idea that Hux has been burdened by parental expectation settles on him, new and more than a little uncomfortable. He has heard a lot about Brendol Hux, and what little he’s seen of the man backs up the unfavourable, cold image everyone always paints. He’d always assumed Hux was cut from the same cloth, and was unaffected by the quite frankly intimidating man who is his father.

He supposes he shouldn’t be surprised. Like him, Hux is choosing to stay in a hotel rather than face the family home.

Looking at the handsome, smart, accomplished man before him, Kylo wonders what on earth Hux’s parents could expect from their son that they don’t already have.

\- – — – -

The fallout from visiting his family is unpleasant, to say the least. Kylo is furious when he leaves, and takes himself for a long, punishing walk before returning to the hotel. Han made no end of excuses about the failed reservation, and had offered to look elsewhere. Kylo pointed out, abruptly and with no holds barred, that the old man was too incompetent, and Kylo had sorted it out anyway, no thanks to the stupid old fool. Han had retreated, wounded, to tinker with some project in the garage, while Leia tried to placate Kylo with food. She was easier to deal with when not sticking up for Han’s bumbling efforts to be a father, so Kylo left not long after with an outlandishly generous helping of food weighing down his aching arm. It was some lasagne substitute which he’d never have admitted in company smelled good, and he hopes it tastes okay cold.

He returns to the hotel still somewhat riled up, but mostly tired and sweaty. Hux is already in the room, sitting on the edge of his bed and facing away from the door, head resting in his hands. His posture looks defeated, and Kylo hesitates a moment before addressing him.

“Mind if I take a shower?” he asks, deciding he isn’t ready to talk about homes or families.

“Go for it,” is all Hux says. Kylo watches him for a few more seconds, before grabbing a change of clothes and making his way into the bathroom.

By the time he comes out, he’s fiercely hungry, and flops down on his bed next to the casserole dish he’d been carting around town.

“Hungry?” he asks Hux, who doesn’t seem to have moved an inch since Kylo disappeared into the shower.

When he turns around, Hux looks pale; weary. He nods at Kylo’s offer though.

“I think so. What do you have?”

“Some sort of healthy lasagne?”

“Lasagne is unhealthy?”

Kylo shrugs, glad he helped himself to a handful of cutlery on the way up. “I think it’s meat free. And…” He taps at the topping, holding a fork out with his other hand. “You’re not allergic to nuts are you?”

“Why are there nuts in it?”

“Fuck if I know,” Kylo mutters, digging in. It breaks apart oddly, the pasta sheets clearly not pasta. If it didn’t smell so good he wouldn’t bother tasting it. The moment he takes a mouthful, he can’t help giving an appreciative groan. Hux raises an eyebrow, and then tries a tiny amount.

The way his eyes light up tells Kylo he likes it, and he watches, mesmerised, as the unhappiness falls away from Hux’s expression, overtaken by wonder.

“What  _ is _ that?”

“I have no idea,” Kylo admits..

“Where did you get it?”

“My mum made it.”

Hux gives perhaps the first little laugh Kylo has ever heard from him that wasn’t mocking or unkind. The sound of it is bright in the space between them.

“Your mum is a good cook.”

Kylo looks down, flushing at the memory of how Hux had been as a teenager and how desperately Kylo had longed to hear him laugh. Hux had always been so cold and distant, and Kylo had always hoped to break through and win something other than a scathing response. His teenage self had tried irritating and provoking Hux, thinking that was the only way to get what he wanted. He can’t help wondering what would have happened if he’d shared some of his mum’s cooking with Hux all those years ago.

“Sometimes, yeah,” he agrees. “She doesn’t do it often. She wasn’t at home much when I was younger. Always working.”

Hux takes another bite of lasagne, looking close to pensive.

“My mother’s place, as far as my father is concerned, is in the kitchen.”

Unsaid is the fact that Brendol places similar expectations of duty on his son. Kylo carefully says nothing.

“Forgive me,” Hux suddenly blurts out, “but you still go by Kylo?”

With his mouth busy, Kylo nods.

“I’m sorry I mocked you for it back then.”

Kylo swallows thickly, surprised by the unexpected apology. Most people had mocked him for choosing another name. Hux had been far from the worst, although given how Kylo felt about him his words had been the most cutting.

“I know I could be unkind. I still can,” Hux admits.

“So could I,” Kylo says in offering. “You’re not being unkind now though.”

“No, I’m not, am I?” Hux sounds surprised. “You know, I know we weren’t friends or even acquaintances, but it’s nice to see you again.”

Kylo finds it hard to maintain eye contact, and looks away again.

“Yeah, same. It’s good to see you.”

And as they sat there, sharing the lasagne until it’s gone and talking about old teachers and schoolmates, Kylo wonders if Hux really understands just what he thinks at seeing the astonishing, refined man his teenage crush has grown into, and what he’d say if he knew how Kylo felt towards him.

\- – — – -

The rest of the evening passes without much event. Kylo goes for another walk while Hux settles down to work at the coffee table. He’d seemed so focused on his laptop that Kylo felt like he was intruding, and he hadn’t minded the excuse to get some more fresh air. His walk takes him past the sweet shop which has opened up where a pokey little corner shop used to sit. Kylo has fond memories of trying to steal more and more outlandish items each time he went in there, and smiles as he walks past his old escape route. He’s far too big to fit through the narrow gap now, and wonders why the owners never bothered to block it off with barbed wire, as the new proprietors have.

When he leaves the shop – browsing right up until five minutes before closing – his wallet is lighter and the bag he carries is laden with far too much sugar for one person to consume in a lifetime. There were far too many different kinds of confectionary for him to resist, and he plans on taking a few months to work through what he’s just bought.

For the next two hours he explores along the river, which looks far nicer than he remembered it being last time he came home. There has been some attempt at gentrification on the east side, and he walks along once familiar streets relearning the feel of the place, before spending some time on the tastefully illuminated suspension bridge, watching the dark water shimmering beneath. It’s soothing, and he stays far longer than he realises.

By the time he gets back to the hotel, it’s late. Kylo creeps in through the door, only to find that Hux is still awake, and working.

“No rest, huh?” he says lightly.

Hux jumps, clearly so absorbed in what he’s doing that he hadn’t realised Kylo was back. His hand goes reflexively to his hair, smoothing it back as he looks up at Kylo, looking all at once exhausted and wired.

“There’s a lot to…” his gaze flickers to the corner of his screen, no doubt to the clock. “Oh,” he says softly, “do you need to sleep?”

Kylo waves a hand dismissively, dumping his shopping on the bed. “I don’t need to be awake for anything.”

“Breakfast is between six thirty and nine,” Hux supplies.

“The bakery on South Street is still there,” Kylo tells him. “I can get something there if I miss it. Do you need to be up for anything?”

Hux shakes his head, looking back at his laptop. Kylo leaves him to it, and sprawls across the bed, peering into the plastic bag. He pulls out some jelly belly beans, deciding to have a handful and then think about getting ready for bed. He’s just trying to guess if the green one he’s about to eat is apple or watermelon when Hux sighs, rubbing his hands over his face.

“Want one?” Kylo offers, holding the handful out. Hux gives a pained expression, probably at the idea of accepting something directly from someone’s hand. Before Kylo can extend the overstuffed pick and mix bag instead, Hux is shaking his head.

“No, I shouldn’t.”

Kylo shrugs. “Well, if you change your mind help yourself.”

As Hux shuts down and packs away his laptop, Kylo slides off the bed and tucks his stash away in his bag.

“You know,” he continues, “if you’re letting me share your room, how about I pay for the food? Anything you like. I saw that Lottie’s has a lunchtime offer on. Did you ever go there?”

“I have a lunch date with my parents,” Hux says blandly, his expression flat and eyes fixed on something that isn’t there. He gets up and moves around the room, clearly avoiding looking at Kylo as he brushes past him.

Kylo swallows his mouthful of sweets with difficulty, feeling uneasy at the sudden shift in mood. He isn’t quite sure what caused it, and hesitates. After a long moment of consideration, he decides to keep quiet. Hux is going through the motions of preparing for bed as if on autopilot, and Kylo’s best guess is that the other guy is tired and just needs space. Talking to him probably won’t help, although Kylo feels incredibly out of place, as if his presence is part of the problem. Unsure of where to put himself, he sits on his bed and waits until Hux is finished in the bathroom and has climbed into bed, wearing a neatly pressed light blue cotton pair of pyjamas and with his hair combed free of its usual style, before moving again.

It’s hard not to think about the soft edges of the other man as Kylo brushes his teeth and untangles his hair. His focus keeps shifting to the neatly stowed toiletries close to his on the counter, and the way Hux’s fringe had flopped almost into his eyes as he made his way to bed. He’s the same as Kylo remembers him, and yet so different: he’s more tangible now, while at the same time seeming so far out of reach.

The room is almost completely dark when he leaves, and Kylo shucks off his clothes and slips into bed wearing just his boxers and t-shirt before turning out the light on his side. It takes a moment before his eyes get used to the almost complete darkness, and he can sense Hux within it. Although he feigns sleep, he’s clearly still awake, and Kylo slowly starts to make out his shape him in the dark, and the point at which the covers give way to red hair. Hux is all but smothered by the duvet, as if hiding, and Kylo finds it endearing – he used to do that too.

He hesitates a moment, the words on the tip of his tongue and longing to be spoken. Figuring not much harm can come of it, Kylo gives a soft sigh.

“Night, Hux,” he says softly, before shifting into a more comfortable position.

He hears Hux momentarily tense  at his words, before relaxing again. Kylo isn’t sure how long it takes, but he listens to the sound of Hux’s breathing evening out and settling into a slow, peaceful rhythm until he’s sure the other man is asleep.

Sleep has almost claimed him too, and Kylo is sure he was unconscious for a moment, when something disturbs him. He opens his eyes, startled, and takes a few seconds to try and work out what has woken him. Something in the room shifts, and a soft, almost inhuman sound reaching his ears. Flipping over, he realises that the sound is coming from Hux’s bed, and he watches in the low light as Hux writhes beneath the sheets, his now expose face twisted in distress. He gives a pathetic whimper before falling silent for a moment, and then flinching and whimpering again.

Kylo doesn’t know what to do. He watches, feeling incredibly uneasy, as Hux shifts through what is clearly a nightmare. He doesn’t want to wake him, knowing that will lead to far too much embarrassment and awkwardness, but he doesn’t want to leave him either.

After a moment of deliberating, he reaches out and flicks the light on, hoping it will be just enough to break Hux from his nightmare. It doesn’t work. Kylo flicks the light off, and tries tossing and huffing loudly, as if he can’t get comfortable. The stupid, exaggerated noise, mercifully, works the second time, and as Kylo stills he can hear that Hux has fallen almost completely silent again, and is rolling over.

As Kylo himself starts to fall back asleep he tells himself that he acted in self interest, to make sure that his own sleep was as uninterrupted as possible. It’s not a very convincing lie, though, and as he drifts off he’s aware of the fact that he’s now tuned in to the sound of Hux’s breathing and movement, listening out for any further signs of distress.

\- – — – -

Thankfully there are none, if the way Kylo wakes is any indication. The room brightens with the rising sun, and Hux is up with it. The sound of him moving around the room is what wakes Kylo, and he enjoys the warmth and safety of his bed as he listens to and then watches Hux move around. The other man, still wearing his pyjamas, is setting his clothes out neatly, checking the outfit against some internal criteria, and then changing one or two items before checking and changing it again. It warms Kylo to see him so focused on the task. Hux always was so serious, and so absorbed in what he was doing, and the look of concentration on his face is one Kylo finds he still loves watching. He wishes he could know what it is Hux thinks and feels when he’s so wrapped up in what he’s doing.

Kylo is contemplating saying something and letting Hux know he’s awake when, abruptly, Hux abandons his efforts. He sighs, sounding frustrated, and then grabs a bundle of different clothes before disappearing into the bathroom. A little bemused by the sudden shift, Kylo sits up and runs his hand through his hair, looking around the room. Hux hasn’t been up for long, and there’s nothing to see. Despite feeling well-rested, Kylo flops back down onto the comfortable bed, revelling in the warmth for just that little bit longer. He’s not in a rush to go see his parents again, and knows they won’t expect him to be there at the crack of dawn – if at all.

Not going back to see them would be easy in the short term, but Kylo knows he’ll have to face them eventually. He can manage a few hours today, and a few tomorrow; nothing too much, but enough for everyone to feel like he’s trying. Even coming back was difficult, but as Hux emerges from the bathroom looking like something right from the pages of a tasteful, exclusive fashion magazine, Kylo is glad he decided to do it. He hadn’t spared Hux entirely too much thought over the years, but he never forgot him. He certainly can’t forget him now. Even if Hux hadn’t been a teenage crush, there’s so much there that appeals to Kylo: Hux’s looks, his hair, the way he holds himself, his control, his intellect, and, perhaps most of all, his intrigue. Kylo wants to know – and has always wanted to know – what Hux is like beneath the carefully cultivated façade.

He supposes it will always be a mystery, thought, so he looks as much as he dares, and appreciates what little he has. As he moves to use the bathroom, Kylo also tries to repay Hux by being far neater than he would usually be. Rather than discarding his toothbrush, he stows it away again, and he leaves the hand towel hanging neatly. His laundry he takes back to the room and shoves into his suitcase. Hux, he notices, is fretting over that outfit again.

“Sleep well?” Kylo asks as casually as he can.

Hux looks up as if he’d forgotten Kylo was there. “Oh, yes. Thank you.”

His attention is already back on his clothes, and Kylo folds himself onto his bed, flipping open his phone just to have something to do. He’s relieved to see that Hux looks well-rested, even if a little stressed as he contemplates the tie he just laid out with his shirt.

“I’ll be out your way most of the day,” Kylo announces, mentally filling his day with activities: going to a gym, first via a shop to buy some cheap clothes for the gym, getting food somewhere at some point, seeing if the old art shop is still there… There are things he can do to keep himself busy.

Hux merely nods. Kylo checks the time.

“Are you coming for breakfast?”

“I’m not hungry.”

“Are you sure? You—”

“With respect,” Hux says sharply, cutting Kylo short. His expression is drawn tight, his mouth set in a hard line. “Mind your own damn business.”

His words stun Kylo, who can do nothing but gape in shock as Hux stares at him coldly for a few seconds before turning away. He hadn’t expected such a terse, unfriendly response, and decides that Hux has made his opinion abundantly clear. Kylo gets up, knowing he needs to give the man space.

Before he leaves, though, he pauses and digs a crumpled receipt out of his jacket pocket. He manages to squeeze a short note and his number into the limited space, and leaves it on the table, tapping it twice with his finger to draw Hux’s attention to it.

‘ _ I’ll be back around 8. Call me if you need anything. Still owe you dinner. 07700900131 - Kylo _ ’

\- – — – -

Hux doesn’t call.

\- – — – -

Kylo has far too long to contemplate Hux’s strange attitude and his reaction to Kylo’s attempts at conversation. It occupies a lot of his morning, despite him telling himself to just drop the issue. It doesn’t really matter – he’s being civil to Hux, he has somewhere to stay for the next few nights, and they’ll never see each other again after this – but still it bothers him. It doesn’t  _ feel _ like Hux, which Kylo knows is stupid: he barely knows Hux, and the other guy has always been cold and kept others at a distance. Kylo just never really got close enough to see exactly how he did it.

A quick search tells him that there aren’t any other accommodation options open to him, unless he wants to stay in a dorm room at the youth hostel tomorrow night, or consider asking his parents to put him up. Neither choice is palatable, and he gives up after wasting an hour and a half on the self-appointed project, figuring he’ll just have to keep to himself as much as possible.

After finding a cheap but serviceable tank top and pair of shorts for his planned gym trip, he braves seeing his parents. Whatever his mother has attempted to cook, it isn’t as good as yesterday’s food, and Kylo realises belatedly that he left the casserole dish halfway under his bed. He hopes Hux doesn’t notice.

As they sit around the table Kylo manages to horrify both his parents – Han by detailing how he’d dissected a Merlin engine for a project, and Leia by talking about rummaging through a scrap yard – but other than that things are amiable enough for a family meal. When Han offers another apology after lunch, he sounds sincere, and Kylo just nods in response. He doesn’t trust himself to speak without making things worse again, and they both understand enough about each other’s nature to leave the matter alone after that. He leaves on relatively good terms, quietly pleased and proud of himself for how well it went.

The gym was planned as a way to vent frustration, but Kylo finds himself calm. He drew out leaving his parents’ place to kill time, as he can’t help but be aware of the time he told Hux he’d be back, and he managed to make the walk to the gym as slow and meandering as possible too. At the gym he switches between equipment leisurely, finding that the only downside is that he has too much time to think about Hux. At least his phone is in his locker, turned off and tucked away where he can’t keep checking it. The negative part of his mind keeps telling him that if Hux were to ever try to get in touch with him it would be now, while his phone is off, and the thought is an incessant itch he has to keep soothing. He doesn’t need to concern himself with Hux at all, and yet he can’t help hoping the other man will reach out, and perhaps be willing to do something like share a casserole dish of weird lasagne in their hotel room while chatting about how unenjoyable they’d both found school again.

Kylo gets no missed calls or texts all day, although by the time he’s returned to the illuminated suspension bridge to stare down at the dark, shimmering water beneath he’s stopped checking so often.

It’s seven o’clock by the time he gets back to the hotel, and Kylo kills the last hour in the lounge bar, flipping beer mats and sipping a slowly weakening lemonade. He’s not exactly sure why he feels nervous about going up to the room, but the uneasy feeling is there, refusing to allow his stomach to settle, and he ends up leaving ten minutes early, and taking the stairs.

Hux is in the room when Kylo gets back, although any partially formed plan to say something goes straight out the window. Hux looks haggard. His clothing is still neat enough, although his tie has been loosened and hangs limply around his neck. He sits on the edge of his bed wearing the outfit he was trying to pick earlier. What gets Kylo, though, is his expression. Hux looks so exhausted, and so pale and listless, devoid of emotion. He looks like a cadaver.

“Hey,” Kylo greets softly. Stupid questions like ‘how was your day?’ and ‘did you have a good meal with your parents?’ are immediately discarded. He finally settles for something hopefully far removed from whatever has drained Hux. “Have you had dinner?”

“I’m fine,” is the only response he gets.

This time Kylo doesn’t argue. He moves to put his phone on charge, freezing for a moment when he sees what’s in Hux’s restless hands. His own handwriting is clearly visible on the smoothed out paper, and the liquid ink has smudged, having never truly dried. Some of it must be on Hux’s fingers.

Kylo looks away, his heart racing unpleasantly. It would be a lie to say that the sight of Hux carefully holding and playing with the little slip of paper he left him didn’t thrill him, but he also feels out of balance. Hux is disjointed; a little broken, perhaps. It is more than just tiredness getting to him, and Kylo can see in the way his fingers fidget that something is bothering him.

Given the silence, he doubts he’d ever find out what it is.

“Did you eat?”

He’s surprised by the flat, yet somehow still comforting, sound of Hux’s voice.

“Yeah, I did,” Kylo nods. It hadn’t been much, to be honest, but it was better than nothing. He’d half hoped Hux would want to get something together. There’s always the option of going out and getting something more, but Kylo doesn’t want to leave again – not without Hux.

“There’s something I want to watch at half past.”

“Go for it,” Kylo shrugs. The background noise of whatever it is will no doubt help fill the silence, and as long as it isn’t a reality show – which Kylo is sure Hux would never watch anyway – he doesn’t mind what it is.

The show turns out to be a quiz. After that, there’s a documentary that Hux flicks to, and after that there’s another. It seems that Hux wants the distraction, more than the actual content: Kylo doesn’t think Hux’s interests extend to ‘The Secret Life of Dogs’.

The rest of the evening is a sad, lonely affair, and thanks to his earlier workout Kylo is quickly tired enough to climb into bed. As he does he sees Hux looking warily at him.

“Keep the light on: doesn't bother me,” Kylo reassures him. And it's true. He can sleep pretty much anywhere. The awkwardness of his current situation isn't enough to stop him falling asleep. If anything, it even helps. As he starts to drift off the sounds in the room soften and blur together, and Hux’s movements feel like calm ripples around him. He can imagine that it’s supposed to be like this: familiar, domestic, serene. It’s comforting, and Kylo falls asleep with a soft smile on his face.

\- – — – -

He wakes up abruptly, eyes wide and heart racing as he struggles to work out where he is. The room is almost completely dark, and within it he hears the same sounds as last night: almost inhuman, pained whimpering and the rustling of disturbed bedsheets.

Hux.

Kylo reaches for the light, fumbling with the smooth surface of the wall and almost upsetting his phone as he gropes for the switch. It bathes the room in far too much light, and Kylo squints, peering over to see if it’s had any effect. To his side, Hux’s expression is contorted, his limbs restless and caught in the covers. He flinches away from the light, turning towards Kylo, but doesn’t wake.

The tears staining his pillow are alarming, and Kylo can’t help instinctively moving closer, to the edge of his own bed, as he speaks, hoping the sound of his voice will help.

“You’re just dreaming,” he says softly, hoping his words will somehow register. “You’re safe. It’s okay.”

Hux gives another whimper, sounding even more tortured. The dream persecuting him refuses to relent, and Kylo tries again, speaking a little louder but too afraid to reach out and touch Hux lest it frighten him even more.

“Hux, listen to me. You’re dreaming. Wake up.”

“Don’t hurt me!”

Kylo freezes, watching as Hux flinches and sobs, his voice a broken, frightened whisper. He’s reacting to his dream, not to Kylo, and Kylo is afraid to imagine what the nightmare is about. He sits on the edge of his bed, leaning forward, becoming frantic in his need to wake Hux up. It’s disturbing to watch what’s happening to the other man, and to see him falling apart like this. Hux seems so frightened and alone, so frail and lost amidst the tangled covers of the large bed.

“Wake up, Hux, please. You’re okay. You’re with me. Wake up. It’s all just a bad dream.”

The sheets catch around Hux’s arm as he thrashes, and it seems that the restriction is enough to wake him. He wakes with a start, gasping and panting, wide, frantic eyes taking in his surroundings. He looks terrified, and as his eyes lock on Kylo he trembles, wetness smeared across his cheeks.

“It was just a bad dream,” Kylo reassures him. “You’re safe.”

Instead of answering, Hux turns away, sobbing. Kylo’s first instinct is to chase after him, but he holds back, afraid that reaching out would only make things worse.

“Hux?”

There’s no mistaking the way Hux’s shoulders shake.

At a loss, Kylo starts to get up. “I’ll get you some water,” he decides a little weakly. There’s not much else he can think to do.

He returns a minute later with a glass of tap water, and perches himself on the edge of Hux’s bed, holding the drink carefully.

“Here,” he offers. Hux seems to have stopped crying, but he’s shivering. He ignores Kylo, who tries again. “It’ll help.”

When it becomes clear that Hux is trying to ignore him, Kylo sets the glass down on the small bedside table and bites his lip, trying to work out how best to approach this.

“Would you like to talk about it?”

The way Hux shakes his head against the pillow suddenly reminds Kylo of himself, when he was Ben and his mother was the one trying to offer comfort. He thinks about what he so often wanted when he felt like that.

“Would you like a hug?”

The way Hux stiffens and fails to respond tells Kylo all he needs to know. He’s sure that if Hux didn’t want it, he’d shake his head again, or tell Kylo to fuck off. Grown men aren’t supposed to need, want or like comforting touch like that – or at least that’s what people like Hux probably believe.

Kylo slowly swings his legs up onto the bed and lies down, guiltily enjoying the soft, lingering scent of Hux as he slowly, carefully reaches out. Hux holds himself perfectly still as Kylo’s hand touches his shoulder and, receiving no negative feedback, Kylo shifts closer. As he starts to wrap his arm around Hux, he’s relieved to feel Hux relaxing and even pushing back against him. Kylo holds him firmly, feeling the way Hux still shivers and trembles.

“I’m scared,” Hux whispers, his voice raw.

Kylo hugs him tighter, refraining from pressing his lips to the pale skin of Hux’s neck. If the situation were any different, he’d be dizzy with delight at finally –  _ finally _ – holding Hux in his arms, but, as it is, his primary concern is for Hux’s wellbeing. He tries to pour every ounce of compassion and reassurance into his touch, willing Hux to be okay.

“Tell me it’ll be okay,” Hux pleads.

“Of course it will,” Kylo says firmly, his nose bumping against Hux’s neck as the other man shifts against him, trying to mould himself to the contours of Kylo’s body. Kylo brings his knees up, curling around Hux and holding him carefully in his arms. “Everything’s going to be okay. Those dreams aren’t real.”

Feeling Hux relax a little against him, Kylo reaches for the first words that come to mind, hoping that keeping talking is what Hux needs.

“You don’t need to be scared. You’ve got this. You can do this. You’re strong, and smart. You’re going to come out on top, I promise.”

Hux gives a dry, shuddering sob, and Kylo feels a clammy hand closing over his own, gripping tightly.

“Promise?”

“I promise,” Kylo nods.

Hux is pushing against him more insistently, as if trying to bury himself in Kylo’s warmth. It would be dangerously distracting if it weren’t for the atmosphere, and the lingering scent of fear clinging to Hux’s skin.

“Do you hate me?” Hux sounds afraid.

“Of course not,” Kylo says, startled by the question. “Why would I hate you?”

Hux’s voice wavers. “Because I’m weak. I try to shut people out. I’m scared. I’m scared of people finding out that I’m like this: a failure.”

He’s falling apart again, starting to sob and shiver. Kylo holds him tightly, turning his hand so he can hold Hux’s. He smooths his thumb over prominent knuckles.

“Hey, that’s not true, Hux. Listen to me, please? You’re not a failure – not by any stretch of the imagination. No one would think that of—”

“My father.”

The admission tumbles from Hux’s lips, and Kylo falters. It takes barely a moment for his mind to cloud with anger.

“What more can he want from you?”

Kylo is genuinely shocked. He can feel the way Hux shrinks in on himself, and can almost  _ see _ the weight of Brendol’s disapproval bearing down on Hux. Everything suddenly makes so much sense, and yet none at all. From what Kylo knows of Hux, he’s sure any parent would be proud to have such a smart, handsome son. Hux excelled at everything he turned his hand to at school, and Kylo is sure he wasn’t the only one to develop a crush on Hux, despite his distance from his peers. It’s that distance, and the way he tried to cut everyone off and keep everyone out, that makes sense now. Kylo feels sick just thinking about it. Hux feels like he’s lacking. Next to the impossible to attain standard Brendol has set, he is insignificant. And Brendol doesn’t place value on interpersonal relationships which aren’t of direct benefit to status and wealth.

He wishes he’d known then. Hux had to have been so lonely. He always gave the impression that he preferred to be that way, but Kylo isn’t so sure how. What would Hux’s life have been like if he’d had friends who helped him understand that he was perfect just the way he is?

“I made project manager six months ago.” Hux’s words harder to make out as he starts sobbing freely. “I thought he’d be so proud of me.”

Kylo can hear the anguish and desperation for approval, and wonders how often in his life Hux found what he needed.

“He should be proud of you,” he agrees. “That’s a huge achievement.”

He panics for a moment when he feels Hux moving within his arms, and then his heart flutters when he realises Hux is turning towards him. He does so abruptly, and buries himself against Kylo’s chest, clinging onto the thin fabric of his t-shirt and soaking it with tears before Kylo can see his face. Kylo brings his arm to smooth over Hux’s upper back, guessing that Hux has never had the chance to open up like this. It probably terrifies him, but he’s reached a point where he can’t contain everything he feels on his own.

Hux is shaking his head. “It’s not. He’s right. I’m still a worthless child.”

“Hux, you’re the very last person I would ever think of as worthless.”

Hux seems to be breaking open again, fresh tears spilling out. Kylo splays his hand over the top of Hux’s back, feeling each shuddering breath and painful sob as it escapes Hux’s body. Hux’s anguish tears at him too.

“Can I tell you a secret?” he asks, dipping his chin and finding his lips so close to that beautiful, vibrant red hair he could almost kiss it. “You know, I admired you at school. You were always so calm and collected, and so hardworking. You’re so smart. Sometimes, I’ll admit, I resented you for it. My parents would have loved it if I were more like you. But mostly, though? I thought a lot of you. Still do. You made me want to try harder, so that perhaps one day you’d think the same of me.

“I don’t think you’re weak, or worthless, or a child. You’re nothing of the sort. You’re strong, and smart, and independent. Right now you’re hurting – and that’s okay. Everyone hurts. I’m never going to think less of you for that; for being human.”

In a clumsy motion that startles Kylo from his monologue, Hux pulls his arm away from where it’s curled between their bodies, hand fisted into Kylo’s clothing, and flings it around Kylo’s back, pulling them closer together. Kylo can’t tell if he’s hurt or helped Hux with his words, but despite the fact Hux is still crying he thinks it’s the latter, given the way Hux is clinging to him. Hux seems to be beyond words, and Kylo gently rubs his back, letting him know he’s not going anywhere.

“It’s okay,” he murmurs, feeling the way his heart aches at Hux’s pain. The part admission of how he’d felt towards Hux when they were teenagers leaves a lump in his throat, and he tries to swallow it down, along with the words that went unspoken. “I’m not going anywhere. You’re okay.”

Slowly, his words become true. Hux’s breathing evens out, disrupted intermittently by a hiccup, and his fierce hold on Kylo relaxes. Eventually he becomes almost completely still, and  Kylo closes his eyes, brushing his lips gently across the top of Hux’s head, his heart hammering in fear. This is it, he knows. This is the moment when they pull apart, and Hux will, most probably, want to forget about the whole thing. Kylo can’t help admitting to himself that it hurts. He doesn’t want to let go; Hux feels so right in his arms, even if he’s only there because he needs comfort. He’s so warm and soft against him, and smells so comforting, that Kylo knows his heart is going to break when the distance appears between them again. It’s the only way it can be, though. At least, he tells himself, he had this one time – this one moment of belonging in Hux’s arms.

“I’ll go back to bed now,” he says softly, the words painful and the action as he carefully loosens his hold on Hux unbearable.

He’s barely started letting go when Hux’s grip tightens fiercely, stilling him.

“Stay? Please?”

Hux’s voice is so desperate and full of uncertainty as he looks up at Kylo with puffy, clear green eyes, pleading. Something new breaks apart within Kylo. It’s something akin to relief and elation, and he feels himself giving in to the request and moulding to Hux’s form before he’s even voiced his response.

“Of course.”

\- – — – -

In the morning they’re still entwined, arms loosely draped around each other and Kylo’s cheek pressed to the soft fabric of Hux’s pyjamas. He can hear Hux’s slow, steady heartbeat, and his own kicks into overdrive as he remembers every detail of last night. He’s not sure what comes next, or how to even move away.

A hand comes up to touch his head, fingers closing gently around a messy handful of hair for a moment and then relaxing, and Kylo feels Hux shift, clearly waking up. It takes a few moments, but he can tell the precise moment Hux regains full consciousness. Hux’s heart is suddenly racing too, and Kylo steels himself for the worst as he slowly pulls away just enough to look up.

Hux’s eyes are wide with alarm, and he stares at Kylo, clearly panicking. Kylo is more afraid than anything else, and they remain like that, staring at each other, for several more moments, until Kylo’s arm twitches of its own volition, tightening for a second around Hux.

At the movement, Hux’s expression softens. Tension drains away with a sigh, and his fingers fidget and play idly with Kylo’s hair as a tentative smile graces his lips.

“Good morning,” he mumbles.

Kylo fights back a grin, his heart bursting with elation as he leans into Hux’s touch and finds that Hux relaxes to accommodate him. 

“Good morning,” he echoes happily, noticing that there’s no way the position they’re in can be thought of as anything other than an embrace. At his words, Hux’s smile widens, and he dips his head, tucking it under Kylo’s chin and against his chest. He seems completely free of the weight of his nightmares, and of his father’s expectation, and Kylo’s eyes widen as he hears a bright, warm bubble of laughter erupting from the other man. Hux shivers, pressing closer, and Kylo holds him, now completely unable to keep the grin from his face. 

He’s pretty sure this is the best morning of his life.


End file.
